(For any of my reader friends under age 13, please get your parents’ permission before you read this!!)
The topic of purity has become a huge passion of mine over the past few years. I just got home from sharing at a mom’s group about how and when to talk to your kids about sex; here are my notes. I hope they will be helpful for you in dealing with this important topic!
5 year old Lizzy goes to find her dad in front of the TV and asks, “Daddy, what’s SEX?” Her dad stops, turns off the television and sits her down to explain all the details. When she remains silent with her eyes wide open, he says, “Lizzy, why do you ask?”
She responds, “Mommy said dinner will be ready in a few secs.”
My beliefs about sex are based on God’s Word:
ü Sex as God designed it is beautiful. (Genesis 2:24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Matt 19:4-6 …the two will become one flesh…)
ü Sex any other way is evil in God’s eyes. *But there is hope: God can bring good out of what the enemy intended for evil. EVERY child is a gift, no matter how s/he got here, God is the one who forms each baby in the womb! (1 Corinthians 6: 9,11,18 …the sexually immoral will not inherit the kingdom of God…that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. AND Psalm 139: 13-14 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. )
ü God wants us to honor Him with our bodies and it’s up to us to learn how. (1 Thess 4:3-4 It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable)
What is the world teaching our kids about sex?
· TV & Internet, bikini baristas - “Sex sells”
· Magazines at kids’ eye level in the checkout aisle teach "we need to be sexy"
We have to remember that, as adults, we have learned to look away…our 7 years olds, on the other hand, have not. They are soaking in everything they see, hear and read and trying to figure out what they think about those things. They are creating their own value system based on what they are learning: from parents, at church, at school, from neighbors, teams, etc. As parents, we need to share the truth with our kids so that they will recognize the lies.
3 answers to: “When should I tell my kids about sex?”
1. Before their bodies change.
2. Before they hear lies about sex somewhere else.
3. Before they are faced with temptation.
The tricky part is figuring out exactly when this is for our kids!
When my oldest daughter was in kindergarten I asked a teacher of 30 years if I wanted my daughter to learn about sex from me first, when should I tell her? Her response was, “Before you send her to kindergarten.” I was stunned! At 5 years old, I definitely thought my daughter was too young to know about sex! I began doing some studying and asking around about resources for sharing with our children. I discovered the God’s Design for Sex series, which is the primary resource I have used for teaching the basics of sex to my kids. I read book 2 titled “Before I was born” to my first two girls in the 1st grade, and I believe the timing was just right for both of them. It wasn’t long after when both of my daughters, at age 6, came home from school telling me that some boy on the playground or in class had said they wanted to have sex with a girl. My girls knew the truth about sex, so they understood that what they were hearing was inappropriate.
Based on the information I researched, between ages 5-9 is when we need to teach our kids what exactly sex is.
When we do share, we need to make it clear that:
· Sex is created by God for husband and wife.
· Parents are to be the primary source of information about sex (In 5th grade the public schools will also be teaching them. Kids should be encouraged to talk with parents about what they learn).
· The topic of sex is private and should not be talked about with friends before middle-school age (reinforce to your kids that their friends’ parents may not have told them about sex yet, and that it is a topic that should remain private within the family until they are older).
· We need to keep an ongoing dialogue with our kids and give them accurate information that is age-appropriate.
Teaching our kids up to age 4
Psalm 139: 14
I am wonderfully made.
Kids should know:
God made your body. Your body is a special gift from God.
God made boys and girls different and excellent.
Because boys and girls are different, we need to have privacy.
Your private areas are not for anyone else. (Doctor and parents can check for health only). If anyone touches your privates you need to tell mom or dad. You do not touch other people’s private parts because they are private.
You are exactly the way God wanted to make you.
Babies come from God.
God's best plan is for a baby to be born with a mom and dad that are married.
From ages 2-5 kids are developing a set of moral values by “copying” mom and dad. Great time for them to help “cook” and “clean” and “shave their face” with a spoon and whipped cream!
Teaching our kids between ages 5-8
Psalm 139: 14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Kids should know:
They are beautiful or handsome exactly the way God made them.
To practice modesty with siblings/ friends/ parents of opposite sex.
Their bodies are special and nobody should touch their private areas.
To respect others.
Basics of reproduction in the context of God’s Word.
Parents should:
Cultivate open communication
Use caution with media and ask questions to help kids see values.
Offer warnings about nudity.
Closely supervise play with others.
Reinforce appropriate names for body parts.
Encourage physical, emotional and spiritual health.
Teaching our kids between ages 6-11
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Kids should know:
What to expect with puberty
Basics of reproduction in the context of God’s Word
How to ask for privacy
To dress modestly
(Truth or bare test)
Understand that pictures of nudity are not OK
Use appropriate names rather than slang (we primarily say "private area" because it sounds a lot better if my daughter's "private area" is itching while we are in the grocery store!)
Parents should:
Help kids develop healthy view of self
Keep communication open
Answer questions
Be intentional about connecting with kids
Supervise media
Give healthy affection
Give reasons for rules
Use real life experiences to teach kids: ask why a tv character acts or dresses the way they do
From ages 6-11, kids develop moral values by asking/wondering why parents do what they do and believe what they believe and decide whether or not it makes sense to them.
Teaching our kids between ages 9-12
Romans 12:1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Kids should know:
Thought control: replacing negative thoughts with truth
Fidelity to Christ
To dress modestly
Parents should:
Help kids process emotions
Share Bible stories on sex
Share age-appropriate life stories – focus on feelings and how you would do things differently
Educate re: abuse and how to respond
Do not allow movies with sex scenes
Monitor time with older friends.
Keep communication open with kids
From age 12+ kids are living out their moral values and are more influenced by peers
*Girls are often ahead of boys, and this must be considered when you talk to your child about love, sex and relationships.
What are the public schools teaching our kids?
In Washington state, the schools are required by law to teach human development and HIV/AIDS to students beginning in 4th grade. In order for parents to remove their students from classes during this curriculum, parents must preview the videos and sign a waiver. I previewed the 5th grade videos recently, and while I can understand pulling kids out, my personal opinion this year is that: I trust my daughter’s teacher. (Praise the Lord, she shares my faith!) I know that the kids at school will talk about it even after the curriculum is taught. I know that kids notice who is absent and do not want my daughter targeted for teasing. In our school district, 4th grade is when boys and girls are taught separately about puberty and the changes they can expect in their bodies over the next few years. In 5th grade, boys and girls are taught about both how puberty affects both boys and girls; they are taught what sexual intercourse is AND that it is for adults.
Purity Training: “Create in me a pure heart, O God” Psalm 51:10
§ As believers in Jesus Christ, we need to be proactive in training out kids what purity looks like. Purity according to God goes beyond abstaining from sex. It means putting Jesus first in every area of our lives.
§ We must teach our children to make a commitment to God to walk in obedience to His Word and honor the beauty of their sexuality.
§ We need to teach our kids to stand for what is right and to patiently follow God’s way when it’s difficult.
§ We need to teach our kids that, rather than “tolerating” parent’ rules, to make their own commitments to the Lord and to commit to wanting God’s best in their life.
§ God’s call for sexual purity includes ALL sexual activity. A good barometer: If you don’t want your mom or dad walking in on you, you shouldn’t be doing whatever you are doing. Or even better, only do whatever you would feel comfortable doing if Jesus were present…because He is!
§ We need to keep communication open with kids. Plan special mother-daughter time or father-son time to talk about purity issues & encourage purity code: “In honor of God, my family and my future spouse, I commit my life to sexual purity.”
§ We need to help kids set boundaries.
§ An interesting fact about the brain: In our early 20’s – the Pre-frontal cortex is fully developed and kids are capable of complete moral self-regulation.
For girls:
ü Teach them that we can dress beautifully, but modestly.
ü Emphasize that purity includes how they dress, behave, and talk.
ü Teach them to be cautious about influences from friends, television, music, etc. and to guard their hearts! I so appreciate what our last speaker said: “If you don’t guard your heart, it will lead you on unhealthy paths. Do everything you can to protect your heart. Guard your eyes, ears and emotions!”
ü Celebrate womanhood.
ü Dream with her about Ephesians 5 husband. (Ephesians 5:25-28 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.)
For boys:
ü As moms, talk with your boys about what respect looks like to a woman.
ü Teach them that man was created by God to be the protector, provider and spiritual leader of his home.
ü Build character traits that will grow them to be the man God intends for them to be.
ü Ted Roberts said, “The difference between a boy and a man is: a boy wants gratification NOW. A man is willing to delay gratification for a higher purpose.”
God’s Timeline:
God is all-knowing. He sees all of time. He knows who you will marry and when you will get married. He wants you to protect your heart because it is a priceless treasure for your future spouse. Guard your heart and trust in God’s perfect timing. The decisions you make now…will affect you in the future.
Guard your heart
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23
Honor God with your body
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God…
We have to face the fact that our kids will make mistakes:
Statistics according to the National Center for Health Statistics say that in 2006-2008, 43% of teens between ages 15-19 have had sex at least once.
When our kids make mistakes, we need to respond with grace, forgiveness and unconditional love. God is a God of 2nd chances. He tells us in 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. Keep communication open with our kids & love them!
Sexual abuse is a sad reality:
1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 6 boys are abused by age 19.
Help kids understand if they or a friend is abused:
1. It is not your fault; it is the fault of the abuser.
2. Seek help; do not suffer in silence. Tell a trusted adult: parent, teacher, pastor, school counselor, friend’s parent.
3. There is hope. God loves you and He can heal you!
4. Help kids understand that God cares. Jesus wept at the death of a friend even though he knew he would raise his friend back to life. He cares about you!
Prayer: Dear Heavenly Father, I want to thank you for the beautiful gift of motherhood. Thank you for the darling children you have blessed us with. Please give us your wisdom in how to teach them. I pray that our children will grow to treasure the beauty of purity. Help them to see that it is a gift from you for their protection. I pray that our kids will choose to live their lives in such a way that their future spouse will be honored by the choices our kids made early on in their lives. I pray for us moms, that you will heal us from any hurts in our pasts so that we can be good role models and mentors to our kids as they think about marriage and purity. Our children are in your hands, Lord, and I pray that you would help us to trust that there is no better place for them to be. In Jesus’ name, Amen
Resources
Ø The BIBLE by God J
Ø A Chicken’s Guide to Talking Turkey with your Kids about Sex by Dr. Kevin Leman
Ø Before I Was Born by Carolyn Nystrom from God’s Design for Sex series (Erin’s favorite for the initial teaching of kids about sex)
Ø Before You Meet Prince Charming (A Guide to Radiant Purity) By Sarah Mally (Written for young ladies who desired to be married someday)
Ø Biblical Blueprints for Sexual Integrity by The Legacy Institute (DVD series for parents)
Ø Finding Grace by Donna VanLiere ( A testimony about overcoming childhood sexual abuse.)
Ø For parents only: getting inside the head of your kid by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice
Ø http://secretkeepergirl.com – website with great info for moms and daughters
Ø http://thejoyofmothering.blogspot.com (Erin’s blog on mothering)
Ø http://www.cbn.com/family/parenting/elliott_TechnicalVirgin.aspx
Ø http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/child/middlechildhood.htm (used for chart)
Ø http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/sexuality/talking_about_sex.aspx (used for chart)
Ø Interviewing your Daughter’s Date by Dennis Rainey
Ø Passport2Purity by Dennis and Barbara Rainey (CD kit for a mother-daughter or father-son getaway to connect on intimate issues)
Ø Pursuing the Pearl: The Quest for a Pure, Passionate Marriage by Dannah Gresh (If you have sexual sin in your past, this is a great resource to help in the healing process.)
Ø Raising Maidens of Virtue by Stacy McDonald
Ø Return to the Garden: Embracing God’s Design for Sexuality by Kay Arthur (Women’s Bible study- excellent in-depth look at what God has to say about sex!)
Ø Sexy Christians by Ted and Diane Roberts (couples study)
Ø Six Ways to Keep the Little in Your Girl by Dannah Gresh (Erin’s favorite for moms of 8-12 year old girls!) (used for chart)
Ø So You’re About to be a Teenager: Godly advice for Preteens on Friends, Love, Sex, Faith and Other Issues by Barbara and Dennis Rainey
Ø Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality by Jim Burns
Ø The Body Book by Nancy Rue (for tween girls)
Ø True Love Waits - http://www.lifeway.com/tlw
Ø Your Girl by Vicki Courtney (Bible study for moms of teens)
